July 2004 Archives

I signed up for a Live Journal account today. I've done squat with it so far, so don't expect anything big. I'm not entirely sure why I signed up (it's just a free account). I do have a number of friends with accounts there. And now I can post comments to all of them without any problems. And, well, all the cool kids are doing it.

This is still going to be my main blogging place though. E said that there is a Moveable Type plug-in that will duplicate your MT entries onto your LJ. That's kinda nifty. If he gets that working I'll probably do that.

I really need to work on this site. Maybe I'll do that this weekend.

The Straight Story

Last night E and I went and saw the Barenaked Ladies and Alanis Morissette in concert. It was an okay show. I mean, the music was good. The night wasn't too cold (we had lawn seats). It wasn't sold out, so we had lots of room on the grass.

Somehow I expected more from BNL though. I guess because I've heard for so long how great they are live. Don't get me wrong - they were funny and they sounded great. I think a lot of it had to do with the venue. I think the would be a lot more fun in a club. You really didn't have any connection with what was going on w/ the stage.

In any case, I'm glad we went. If for no other reason the concert (combined with finishing some work stuff that's been hanging over my head for awhile) seems to have banished The Poop Monster for awhile.

I'm constantly amazed at how quickly my mood can change. I went to the doctor today since my fingers are still numb. She thinks it's actually a pinched nerve in my neck, not the wrist that is causing the numbness. The fact that I felt pain all down my shoulder when she lightly pressed on the back of my neck would seem to support this. Her recommendation is ice, Advil, and better posture both on and off the bike. Though she doesn't want me going on any rides until she sees me at the end of next week.

I'm feeling very frustrated. I spent awhile looking at biking websites today, trying to learn more about the "correct" posture when riding a bike. Most of what I found was conflicting, or at least geared towards bikers much higher in ability than I. The whole experience left me feeling out of control and depressed. My mood quickly spiraled down from there.

I found myself in a ring of negative thoughts - that the fates were against me. I'm damned if I don't get out an exercise (have no energy and gain more weight). I'm damned when I do (I get hurt. Biking=numb fingers. Backpacking=massive pain and soreness. Walking the marathon=knee problems and more said pain). I came home very much in a frame of mind of I can't win. That I have no control over my life. That I've failed. Once again, going from point A to point Q without stopping in between. Seeing a minor setback as a failure both in the endeavor and self-worth.

After sitting on the couch at home for a while stewing, I sat and I meditated. I got a guided meditation CD in the mail today, along with a mediation cushion. So I sat for a half hour and tried to focus on the CD and music and ignore Smudge crawling around my legs. When the half hour was over, I did feel a bit better. It wasn't a magic silver bullet. But I did feel more relaxed.

Why can't I give myself more credit? I'm changing a lot in my life right now - from exercise to hobbies (I want to try SCUBA and take horseback riding lessons again) to the way I think and react in conversations and relationships (let alone the whole getting divorced and living on your own thing). I want it all to be easy. Rather than seeing the bumps in the road as a learning opportunity, I see it as a flag or a warning that I should stop. I suppose the fact that I am even aware of this is an improvement. A year ago I wouldn't have even tried - for if you don't try you can't fail (or succeed).

I'm not giving up. The Poop Monster may have won this round (I did eat cookies and ice cream for dinner again tonight), but that's not match point. I just feel so gosh darn inadequately prepared to fight the good fight. Like everyone else knows the secret password and I'm stuck fumbling around trying to find the way in. I hate that.

I had so much fun this weekend. I really did. C & S came over Sat night and joined E and I and we all made dinner together and played Kill Dr. Lucky. It was so nice to have folks over at my house. S had loads of fun playing with Smudge. I had made an apple cobbler earlier that day, so E made the pasta and C made the artichokes.

On Sunday E and I joined a bunch of folks he knows and we biked on the Cañada Road. I rode about 15 miles, the most that I have ever ridden. E did about 20. I really pushed myself more than I should have. I couldn't make it back to the starting point. My legs just gave out. It hurt too much to make the pedals go around. E was kind enough to bike on without me and get the car and come pick me up.

I felt like such a baby sitting there in the shade of the trees though (it was SO freakin' hot!), that I did get up and start walking my bike. I didn't get very far before he found me. But I didn't want my legs to stiffen and I did feel okay walking. I guess because it's different muscles. We got back to E's place and I took an Epsom salts bath. I kept expecting to feel like I would after the trainings for TNT - where I can barely walk my feet, legs, hips, and back all hurt so much. But I didn't. At all. I mean, I felt like I had worked out. And my butt bones are still sore from the saddle. But that was it.

One worrisome thing is my hand though. The last two fingers on my left hand went numb about half-way through the ride. They are better this morning, but they are still numb. I must have been leaning on my wrist a lot while I was riding. Pinched a nerve in there someplace.

E (obviously) got the new crank installed on my bike for me, but the shop that did it didn't adjust things properly. I couldn't shift into the front 3rd gear, and when I did get it there, it made such a horrible racket I couldn't stand it. It also had problems shifting in the rear gears. It wouldn't go and then would suddenly lurch into gear. Or it would sound like something was falling off. I'm going to take the bike into Livermore Cyclery tonight after work and have them adjust it.

Sunday night E and I went and finally saw the latest Harry Potter movie. I really enjoyed it. I didn't really mind the changes that they made from the book. There were bits that I did miss. But overall the feeling was there. And I enjoyed that. Which is strange, because usually I really hate when movies mess with a book.

So, it was a really good weekend. I got chores done. I saw friends. I exercised. Saw a good movie. And spent time with E. *happy sigh*

Back on December 31 I posted a list of 104 things to do in 2004. This was a list of things that I would like to see happen.

Seeing how it's July and the year is half over, I thought I'd take a moment to see how I'm doing on my list.

In the Garden of Iden

Smudge went to the vet for his first check-up this morning. Vet said he's healthy. No fleas, no ear mites. He only weighs 1 pound 12 ounces though. He really is skinny. The vet doesn't think that he's 12 weeks old (which is what the shelter says), which could be why he's so tiny. Hopefully the ScienceDiet Kitten Chow will start packing on the poundage for him.

Smudge insisted on sleeping on my pillow, right under my chin last night. He had a whole queen-sized bed to sleep on, and he just wanted to sleep right there. I kept pushing him away (his fur goes up my nose and makes me itch), but he just kept coming back. I can see where this might become an issue when he's full grown. But he's just so gosh darn cute. I couldn't deny him. Evolutionary advantage indeed.

Librarians Against Bush

And this i just plan funny and cute:
http://www.jibjab.com/

Say hello to Smudge.

This is so clever. A super-cool woman that I work with, Kristen, just turned me on to a neat recipe site called All Recipes. She posted a link to the White Texas Sheet Cake that she made for our marketing services picnic on Friday. The cake is wonderful. I'm now looking for an occasion so I can make one. Hmmm... it's Tuesday. I think we need a White Texas Sheet Cake.

I haven't had a chance to really look at the site. But does seem to have good recipes. And it's got a feature that I think is quite spiffy-keen:

This is what cascading style sheets and "print this page" functionality was made for. Not only can I print the recipe, I can print it so it's all formatted to fit into my recipe cardbox. Neato.

I can't wait to spend some time looking around at whatelse they have. I always go to Epicurious for all things recipes. Maybe I need to broaden my horizons a bit.

I love optical illusions. I think they are so cool. Akiyoshi Kitaoka of the Department of Psychology, Ritsumeikan University, in Kyoto, Japan has a whole site of illusions that seem to move, yet they are all static images.

It's really neat.

Maybe there's hope for this country after all.

Senate Vote Blocks Effort to Ban Gay-Marriage in Constitution

USA Today reports in an article today that

"Newsweek said DeForest Soaries, chairman of the U.S. Election Assistance Commission, wants [Homeland Security Secretary Tom] Ridge to ask Congress to pass legislation giving the government power to cancel or reschedule a federal election."

I'm not sure which is more abhorrent and incensing. That they are talking about canceling the election, making sure that Bush stays in power by not giving folks the opportunity to vote him out. Or the fact that they want to create enough fear of an attack that folks will be too scared to go out to the polls and there won't be enough votes to oust the bugger.

Yesterday E and I went and saw Fahrenheit 9/11. First let me say that Michael Moore is a brilliant filmmaker. He knows exactly how to manipulate your emotions and get to you feel and believe exactly what he wants you to. He is very, very good at it. Whether or not you agree with the points he is making, you have to give him credit for that. It's a film that is completely one sided, and makes no bones about it.

Now, I happen to agree with him on a lot of the points he was making. Yes, he did a lot to make Bush and his cronies look like fools, which was funny. (Though it would have been just as easy to make Clinton look like as much of a fool. I recognize that.) There were times when he simplified the points; drew direct connections that I don't think were necessarily that cut and dry. And sure, his detractors have every right to complain about those points. And I worry about folks who will see the movie and swallow it all, hook, line and sinker, and take it all for the gospel truth. For blind believers on either extreme are the dangerous ones.

But I don't believe that was the point. At least, it wasn't the point that I got. And it wasn't why I went to see it. And it's not why I am searching for ways to take action now.

There are points that Moore made that cannot be refuted. People died. People are dying. It is heart wrenching to watch the grief of the soldiers' families. It's horrible that our young soldiers are being killed. But you know what? Their grief is nothing compared to what we are doing the Iraqis. Not only have those poor people lost their loved ones; they have lost their homes. Their way of life. All sense of security. All sense of control over their lives. We cannot even begin to fathom what it must be like to live over there right now.

Yes, they lived under a horrible political regime. Saddam Hussein is an evil man. I don't think anyone can argue against that. But there are so many every day, normal people that are paying the cost for that now. It's as if Iowa got completed bombed and destroyed to pay for what Bush has done to the US and the world. Where is the justice in that?

I walked out of that movie feeling sick. You can get all Machiavellian and say the ends justify the means; that Iraq is better off without Saddam in power. But that is bullshit. And that was the other point Moore was making. We are not there because of the loving heart of America. It's not to put a stop to the human rights violations. Or to pull a 3rd world country out of poverty and despair. Or even to secure the safety of the world. We are there because a small group of people stands to make a lot of money from it. Plain and simple. And that is what makes me sick. That is what makes me ashamed to be an American.

I walked out of that movie yesterday and felt helpless. What can I do to stop what is going on? What can I do to help the people in Iraq and Afghanistan? I don't know. You can bet your bottom dollar I'm going to vote in November (I always do). But so what? That seems so little.

I joined the ACLU this morning. While I don't agree with everything they do and stand for, I agree with a lot of it. I often find that they get in the way, making mountains out of molehills. And I do believe that there are a very small number of crimes that do warrant the death penalty (though I don't agree with the way it is currently handled and that there are too many people on death row that don't deserve to be there). But I also think that they are an organization that has a hope of affecting change in the face of the whole Homeland Security mess. Which is why I joined.

I'm not sure what else to do. Part of me says there isn't anything that I can do to help the Iraqis. But I can do something here. I need to volunteer at homeless shelters. Battered women's clinics. Continue to donate blood. It's easy to get indignant over what you see on the screen that is going on over there. All the while forgetting what is going on right down the street. I'm not in a position to hop on a plane and go over to the Middle East. Or Africa. Or South America. Or Asia. (Though part of me asks why not?) So what can I do to help bring about concrete improvements now? I'm not sure. But I'll find something.

Pitch Black

You know what? Life is good. Today, right now. I honestly believe that and, what's even more important, I feel it. I feel happy. I feel content. *happy sigh* I feel.

Sure there's crap that I need to deal with. There are things hanging over my head, both emotionally and physically. But that's not getting me down. I'm not feeling all consumed by the negative in my life. This is a novel thing for me. I don't feel surrounded by all things dark and dank and ugly.

I feel bright, light, and warm. I'm in charge of my life. I'm free to make my own decisions. And it's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Mark Hurst in the latest edition of the Good Experience newsletter points to the EuroBad '74 site. It's images of a interior designs that just never should have been conceived, let alone photographed.

My favorites are the kitchen with attached stable and the couch in the bumble bee room.

Today I did something that I have never done before - I went to a movie, in a movie theater, all by myself.

I went to the first matinee showing of Shrek 2. The movie was cute. Antonio's Puss In Boots steals the show, as so many have said.

This was a big step for me. I've stayed in hotels by myself before. Eaten meals alone. Traveled by plane, train, and automobile alone. But that's always been in the context of a business trip or conference. I don't count that in the same category as eating out in your hometown alone or going to a movie alone.

There is definitely a stigma attached to being alone. My friend Amanda recommended the book The Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto. I picked it up when I was in CT in May, but I haven't read it yet. She told me that she has really come to enjoy being by herself. She is alone, but not lonely. She's at peace.

Maybe someday I'll get to that place. I don't know. Alone and lonely still mean the same thing to me at this point. But at least I'm proving to myself that I don't have to sit at home just because I don't have anyone else to go do something with. Even if I don't like it.

7 o'clock this morning and I was out walking the streets of Pleasanton. Power-walked for about 40 minutes. It felt good. And considering that I didn't sleep again last night, I'm not sure where I got the energy for it.

So now it's 8:15 in the morning and I have to find some way to fill the day. I think I'll start with reading some more of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I'm about 1/2 way though it. I'm just about caught up with the series, considering book 5 is coming out in paperback next month.

Wow. Medications are an interesting thing. The effects of them are sometimes so subtle that you don't even realize just how much they are affecting you. My doctor has changed me to a new anti-depressant, and even though it's only been a few days, I can already feel a difference.

My mood isn't changed at all (that constant feeling of sadness is still there), but I know it will take weeks before the meds can help with that. But my mind feels clearer. I think it's that the trazodone has worked itself out of my system. I woke up this morning and felt actually awake. I was still dog-tired (I'm still not sleeping, the thoughts keep racing in my brain until the wee hours of the morning), but the haze and fog that has engulfed my brain wasn't there. I actually was out of bed before the snooze bar went off the second time and was up and about.

I need to keep a close eye on this though. The not sleeping thing is a big deal. I don't want to take anything else to help me sleep, since that will kinda defeat the purpose of seeing if the shift in brain chemicals will help. I'm hoping it will get better. Because I know if I don't sleep a different type of fog will take over my mind.

And while I wouldn't say that I have nausea all the time, my tummy doesn't feel right. Sort of a light queasiness that is always in the background.

K-19: The Widowmaker