September 2004 Archives

You know, it is just amazing how much life/your outlook on life can change in a short period of time. I'm not talking mood swings. It's broader than that. It's the combination of stressful activites passing (Connect, certification dives - as fun as they were, it was still stressful), work deadlines passing, and a couple of nights of fairly good sleep.

I was such a ball of stress, angst, and just all around black negative energy 1.5 weeks ago. I felt just horrible. The release started with all the talking with my Safe People. The hills didn't seem quite as insurmountable after that. And then, the barriers just seemed to disappear. The first release of the search project was put on hold. Boom. Big chunk of work stress disappeared. I got the packing and other stuff done that I needed to. The dives went wonderfully well. I managed to be where I needed to be and things worked out.

I just... I don't know. I went from fretting and worrying to more of a "well, I'll do what I can do and deal with the rest later" attitude. And you know what? It worked. Even today - I set my alarm early so I could get to the car dealer by 7:30. But I never actually turned that alarm on. So it went off at 6:50 per usual and it was 7:10 by the time I saw the clock. I ran around like a crazy woman this morning trying to eat and get dressed and feed the kids. I got to the dealer and was all worried that I'd miss the 8 o'clock shuttle bus and was sure that the next one would get me to work too late for my 9 am meeting. And everything was fine. It was no big deal that I was there almost 1/2 hour late (they didn't yell at me or anything). I caught the early shuttle and was at work by 8:20. Everything was fine. Yet another example of if I had just rolled with it, I could have saved myself a lot of angst.

So... I'm feeling pretty good about things. The Future of IA Retreat is coming together. Mags will be here Wednesday. I still haven't dusted or moved the litterboxes, but the house is mostly pulled together. It would be nice if I could have everything spic and span for when she comes, but I'm not going to kill myself to do that. I know she'll still love me even if there is dust on my tabletops. I had a wonderful weekend - it was so nice to be home with the cats and relax with E and just take it easy.

And I'm loving my new computator. I just want to keep typing and typing cause the keyboard feels so nice. And I love iTunes. I love iTunes so much. I have a soundtrack for my life now. I spent so long never listening to music except in the car. Listening to music was always a struggle (or at least always felt like a struggle). The TV was on so much, and there never seemed to be agreement on what should be played. But the cats don't seem to complain about what I play or how loud I play it. Living alone has its advantages I guess.

I'm enjoying ripping my CDs so I can load them onto my new iPod. The process is surprisingly quick and amazingly simple. I have yet to get into the whole digital music scene because I had this preconception that it was a hassle. I needed special software. It would take a long time. Blah Blah. Well, I don't know where it was that I got that idea. iTunes makes it SO easy.

One of the things that I'm really enjoying is the metadata that iTunes pulls down for all of the songs and albums, specifically the "genre." I'm not quite sure how The Smiths are "alternative & punk" but The Cure is "rock." I wonder where they are getting the controlled vocabulary and who is setting it. I also wonder (since indexing can vary by indexer) if some of my other Cure albums will be tagged differently (I've only ripped one so far). The Barenaked Ladies are classified as both "alternative & punk" and "rock," as they got more mainstream.

Interesting. I LOVE this stuff.

My goodness. What a crazy week this has been. It's so good to be home, to have slept in my own bed. To be back with my cats (I can't believe how much Smudgie has grown - he's HUGE!)

The Dive
I am now a certified diver. Yay! We did four dives, last Saturday and Sunday at Breakwater in Monterey Bay. It was fun. Our visibility was about 15 feet on Saturday and more like 8 feet on Sunday. The water was cold, but I only really felt it when we were sitting on the bottom practicing our skills. I was able to do all of the skills on the first try, without any problems. Including removal of the mask. Yay!

We went on two little "tours" where we swam around and looked at things. There were tons of sea stars all over the rocks and on the bottom. The big thick cold water ones - not the little soft guys that we saw in Maine, oh so many years ago. I also saw some anemones, lots of kelp, different kinds of fishies. There were schools of long skinny fishes that would swim over us. There were bigger guys that would hang out by the kelp, and just point themselves upwards, looking at the surface. And big silver and yellow ones that we'd see eating stuff at the bottom. I also saw some type of flounder-type bottom fish that was the color of sand. I just saw the two little eyes and when I put my hand out he swam away. I got to hold a kelp crab - he was really neat. It was so much fun. I can't wait to get back in the water.

The Conference

Sunday night after I got back from Monterey I went up to San Francisco for PeopleSoft Connect, our user conference. I worked at the information booth in Moscone West Monday through Friday. It was fun, though very tiring. There were more than 15,000 people at the conference. I have never seen anything on a scale like that. I totally went into reference librarian mode at the booth. I was helping people find all kinds of stuff - like where to get an American football, where the nearest drug store was, how to get to CalTrain, what to see at Fisherman's Wharf. It was fun.

The only problem was that I never felt like I had a chance to recover and rest. I was at the booth at 7 am each morning (well, got to sleep in on Friday and not go in until 7:30. @whee). Sandi and I were pretty much asleep by 10 each night. But somehow it never felt like enough. I'd wake up and my eyes were so swollen and puffy.

My stress level is SO much better now. The dive is over. All the running around to different hotels is done. The big unknown of the conference is over. There are still the 4 big projects at work, but I'm not feeling the pressure with them that I was before I left. Mags arrives on Wednesday, so I still need to clean the house (the cats made SUCH a mess of things). But I have all weekend to do it. And somehow, two full days at home feels like so much. *deep breath*

And There Was Shopping

So, one of the exciting things while I was in The City was that I stopped at the Apple Store. And what is even better is that they will give you the PeopleSoft employee discount there - you don't have to go through the website only. So... I am now the proud owner of a 15-inch PowerBook G4. And a 40-gig iPod. I know! I still can't believe it. I'm using the PowerBook right now. Poor Sandi - I had both of them in their boxes on top of the TV all week at the hotel. I didn't want to open them up and start playing with them until I had the time to focus and really pay attention to what I was doing. Plus it's not like I had any music to put on the iPod.

So, I'm back to the world of the Mac. I just love the way it feels. The touch of the keyboard is so soft. It's been over 4 years since I've used a Mac on a regular basis. That was OS 8. Sandi and I squealed like little schoolgirls when I turned it on and we heard that Mac bong as it loaded up. I was a bit disappointed that there was just the white Apple and not the happy Mac as it loaded. Oh well. I'm constantly amazed at just how easy it is to use. And the little keyboard shortcuts are all coming back to me.

It's nice to have my own machine. I'm going to spend the day ripping CDs and copying all my files over from the PS laptop. It will be so good not to have personal stuff on that machine anymore.

*happy sigh* It's so good to be home.

I'm headed to Monterey this weekend for my PADI Open Water Scuba Certification dives. I'm really excited about it. I spent all last weekend in the classroom and pool taking the tests and quizzes and practicing the skills. I think I did pretty well.

It was a bit unnerving at first, when you first put your face underwater and breathe. But I just remembered that I could snorkle, and this was no different (okay, I know it is different, but in the basic face-in-water-still-breathing-way it's the same). I took deep, slow breaths and I was fine.

The only skill I had real trouble with was removing my mask underwater and replacing it. For some reason I couldn't get the coordination between breathing only through my mouth. I kept trying to breathe through my nose. Which would cause me to spit and cough. I hadn't actually done it, but I tried the swim without mask anyway. I was able to do the swim just fine and I was able to put my mask back and clear it afterwards with no problems.

I also have some buoyancy control issues (I seem to have floaty feet), but Marnee (our instructor) says that it's the hardest thing for beginners to get. And that it will be easier in the ocean when it's deeper than 12 feet. We shall see.

Things will probably be rather quiet next week. I come back from Monterey Sunday night and go straight to San Francisco for PeopleSoft Connect. I'm working at the Information Booth. It should be fun. I get to talk with people all day and point them in the right direction. And PS pays to put me up in a hotel in the city. No making my bed or cleaning the cat box. Woo-hoo!

I had a really pleasant surprise at weigh-in tonight. I lost another 0.2 pounds. I don't really see how I lost anything this week, given what I was eating. Cookies for dinner for more than 1/2 the week. I'm guessing that TOM starting (which seems to quickly deflate any bloat) was mostly involved. It was a very nice surprise though. I'm certainly not going to knock it.

I spent all afternoon running around and doing errands. By the time I got home at 7, I was starving. And that was after I had saved my dried apple pieces to eat during the meeting and bought a box of Just 2 Points bars at the meeting so I'd have something at the doctor's. I made the Trader Joe's frozen gnocchi for dinner. I ate the whole thing (wasn't originally planning on that), but it was only 9 points and I was really hungry. Ended the day 2.5 points over my target, but well within the flex point allowance, so it's all good.

I've been sitting on the couch watching TV for the last hour though. And I'm REALLY feeling the urge to eat. I know it's boredom. Or habit-eating. I'm not really hungry. It's hard to stay out of the kitchen though. Luckily it's almost 9, so by the time I pack up my scuba stuff I'll be ready to go to bed (I'm still so tired). And, well, there are no more cookies or snacks in the house to eat.

INSTRUCTIONS: 1. Copy this whole list into your journal. 2. Bold/underline the things that are true about you. 3. Whatever you don't bold/underline is false.

# 01. I miss someone right now.
# 02. I don't watch much TV these days.
# 03. I love olives
# 04. I love sleeping when i can get to sleep
# 05. I own lots of books
# 06. I wear glasses or contact lenses, but not both at the same time
# 07. I love to play video games
# 09. I've watched porn
# 11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
# 12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
# 13. I have acne free skin
# 14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
# 15. I curse frequently
# 16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
# 17. I have a hobby
# 19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
# 20. I'm really, really smart
# 21. I've never broken someone's bones
# 22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
# 23. I hate the rain
# 24. I'm paranoid at times
# 25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scars
# 26. I need money right now! so next time you see me, give me some!
# 27. I love Sushi
# 28. I talk really, really fast
# 29. I have fresh breath in the morning
# 30. I have semi-long hair
# 31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
# 32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
# 33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S
# 34. I shave my legs on a regular basis mostly in the summer
# 35. I have a twin
# 36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past
# 37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
# 38. I like the way I look
# 39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.
# 40. I know how to do cornrows
# 41. I am usually pessimistic
# 42. I have a lot of mood swings
# 43. I think prostitution should be legalized
# 44. I think Britney Spears is hot
# 45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past
# 46. I have a hidden talent
# 47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
# 48. I think that I'm popular
# 49. I am currently single
# 50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
# 51. I enjoy talking on the phone only if its someone I want to talk to
# 52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants
# 53. I love to shop
# 54. I would rather shop than eat
# 55. I would classify myself as ghetto
# 56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
# 57. I'm obsessed with my Livejournal
# 58. I don't hate anyone
# 59. I'm a pretty good dancer so I've been told...
# 60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
# 61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
# 62. I have a cell phone
# 63. I believe in God (some sort of "higher" power anyway)
# 64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
# 65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
# 67. I have never been in a real relationship before
# 68. I've rejected someone before
# 69. I currently have a crush on someone
# 70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
# 72. I have changed a diaper before
# 73. I've called the cops on a friend before
# 74. I bite my nails
# 75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
# 76. I'm not allergic to anything that I know of
# 77. I have a lot to learn
# 78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
# 79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie
# 80. I am very shy around the opposite sex
# 81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
# 82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
# 83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before
# 84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past
# 85. I own the "South Park" movie
# 86. I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal
# 87. When I was a kid I played "doctor" with a neighbor or chum
# 88. I enjoy some country music
# 90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
# 91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
# 92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist
# 93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
# 94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
# 95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
# 96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
# 97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
# 98. I have dated a close friend's ex
# 99. I'm happy as of this moment

(I know this is missing some numbers... not sure where they are. They were missing from where I found it too.)

I went home from work early yesterday. For once, it wasn't an agonizing decision. I was tired. I was frazzled. I was crying. I was at the end of my rope. At my wit's end. So I went home. I crawled into bed, my cats joined me, and we all took a nice long nap. I felt better when I woke up. The physical pain of being awake was gone.

I also spent a large amount of time last night talking about my feelings. I talked a lot. With three different people. My three Safest People. My Safe People are the ones that I let see inside the dark little box of emotions I have inside me. It's a very scary box for me. Most people never see the box at all, let alone what's inside it. I used to spend all my time keeping the lid closed and pretending the box didn't exist. I can peek into the box now, but often only with a Safe Person with me.

I'm much better about it now - but I still have trouble with it. My trouble stems from when I feel disconnected from my Safe People and I start to deny the box. When I deny the box, I'm denying my nature. And I can only run from it for so long before I have a meltdown - like yesterday. And I'm forced to look at the box and look inside of it.

I'm feeling better. The box is never as scary as I make it out to be. But it still is unpleasant. There's always lots of crying and sobbing and heart aching involved. But there is a calm that always follows after the storm. Which feels very good.

I'm not done with this one. This new corner of the box is a big one; there's lots in there.

Okay... this is really difficult. Someone ordered Mexican food for a meeting today and there are big trays of tortillas, rice, refried beans, and cheese and sour cream sitting out in the pantry area of our office. AND Sandi changed the selection in her TNT fundraising candy box so she's got KitKats in there and White Reeses Peanut Butter Cups (I've never heard or such a thing. I love white chocolate!). And of course the Twix. I even saw a 3 Musketeers. Not that I was looking closely or anything. Nope, not me.

It's calling to me. It was SO hard to walk down the hall from the bathroom and not just fill up a whole plate. I'm not really hungry (leftover beans and rice really filled me up at lunch), but I'm feeling frazzled (there is so much I need to get done still today) and so I want to eat. Just that mindless hand-to-mouth action.

Tea time is in a half-hour. Sarah made chocolate oatmeal cookies last night. I need to save my points for those - they are SO good!

But the beans and cheese.... mmmmm... beans and cheese. What is it with me and beans and cheese lately? It's like, all I want to eat.

Last night I went to the candlelight vigil for the lost Americans in Iraq. There were about 20 of us, and we lined up on the sidewalk at the end of Main Street. It was a bit strange. No one really spoke. We just lighted our candles in silence and stood there for about 45 minutes. We had one woman slow down her car, read the signs that some people had, and say "Really nice, thanks." That was kind of neat. Otherwise some folks slowed down and looked at us. But a vast majority just breezed right by.

I feel good for having gone. I honored those that are gone. It wasn't a political thing. It wasn't a protest. It was a moment to remember the lives of those that are no longer here. And it doesn't matter that I don't know any of them. I though also of the Iraqis that have died. I think back to Egypt, and how it looked and smelled and felt. That's how I imagine Iraq, but bombed to hell. It makes me so sad - I wish I could do something to help those folks put their lives back together.

In other news, the judge decided against PeopleSoft (free log-in required), ruling for Oracle in the anti-trust case. It's not too clear yet what exactly this means. There are still hurtles to get over before it's a done deal. I'm trying not to worry about it, since there is nothing that I can do. We've all believed for so long that this was over and would never happen. A whole world of uncertainty has reopened. All I can do it watch and wait. And get my resume updated.

With deep sadness and anger we mark the tragic milestone of the death of over one thousand patriotic Americans in Iraq. We also mourn the unnecessary loss of many thousands of Iraqi lives. They have all suffered the fatal wounds of battle and the failure of their leaders.

Join members of your community in honoring this tragic loss at a candlelight vigil this Thursday, September 9 at 8:00 PM. You can find a vigil nearby at action.moveon.org/vigil/. Vigils are being held across the country in literally thousands of neighborhoods, but if you do not find one close by, please organize one with friends.

There's one on Main Street in Pleasanton, at the park on the corner with Bernal. I'm going to do my best to be there. Won't you join me?

The most wonderful thing happened to me this morning.

I woke up this morning and I didn't feel more tired then when I had gone to bed. That means I slept! *happy dance*

It's unfortunately been too long since that has happened. But it did happen. And it's something to rejoice. Now, if we can just get it to happen two nights in a row...

Okay, okay, so I know I'm not suppose to be obsessing about the whole "weight loss" thing, and how many pounds so far and all of that.

But.

So far I've lost 6 pounds in 1 month. They say weight loss should average 1-2 pounds per week. So... with 6 pounds in 4 weeks, that's right in the average. If I were to average 6 pounds a month, I'd still be to goal in less than a year. That's not bad at all. Pretty darn good actually.

Okay... I'm feeling less like a failure about this now.

And gee... so far I've been completely on plan today. Been in control of the situations and the food. Could that be having an influence on my mood? Hmmmmm......

GOD I'm SUCH a control freak!

Progress comes in many different shapes and sizes. The scale is just one of many measures. But it's not the only one. I need to focus on all the areas that are improving in my life. It's unhelpful to focus on just one measure. And it's unrealistic to demand improvement on that measure all the time.

Sometimes progress is in spirals. Sometimes we need to take longer to "get ready," to sit in a holding pattern, to check and recheck to make sure our ducks are in a row before we leap to the next stage.

Babies walk when they are ready to walk. They don't suddenly wake up one day, lace up their shoes, and walk out the door. I would never yell at Gracie or demean her that she isn't learning to walk fast enough. Why do I think it's okay to demean myself and yell at myself that I'm not loosing weight/getting healthy fast enough?

I need to noodle on this awhile. I need to learn this lesson. I need to take it to heart. I've been banging my head on this wall for a long, long time. Maybe it's time I took a moment, let the pain pass, and proceed when I'm ready.

In the mean time, here's a list of progress to remind myself that things are better.

• I am down 6 pounds from where I was 4 weeks ago.


• I am no longer eating a candybar (or more!) a day at work.


• I am drinking 8 glasses of water a day, often more. I am no longer liss-liss from dehydration.


• While it may not be 5 fruits and veggies a day, it is more than I had been eating.


• Yoga is getting me in touch with my body and tapping into my sense of inner strenght.


• I now have a haircut I like, and that makes me feel pretty.


• I am trying new things (yoga, scuba, mediation).


• I am committed to going to WW, even if I don't have a loss every week. I learn more there than just what the scale tells me.


• I am learning to have boundaries in my relationships and my life. They are not always solid, but they are at least developing.


• I am becoming aware of triggers and patterns in my life. I may not be able to solve the problem associated with them, but at least I know that I am now having a reaction.


• I'm starting to understand that I have choices. In what I think. What I do. How I act. I am not a passive reactionary. I am in control, even when it feels that I'm not.


• I have a wonderful apartment that is a safe space and I love it.


• I've spent 5 months living on my own and I'm still alive.


• Overall, I am the happiest that I've been in a very long time, if not my whole life.

I just remembered a dream that I had last night. My dreams have been strange lately. Just little snippets and in the morning I hardly remember them, or if I do I'm never sure if they were dreams or thoughts or actually happened. They aren't nearly as colorful and movie quality since I've switched to a new anti-depressant. Which is a bit disappointing because it was neat to go into an Academy Award winner every night.

Anyway, in this dream I was back at the Rowland Institute for Science, where I used to work in the library. When I worked there, the Institute was a private organization. It is now part of Harvard University.

Well, in my dream, I was back in the library. But everything was gone. I was in the office, and the desks were there, but everything was empty. No computers or papers or anything on the desks. The shelves were empty. Not even dust. The wood was polished and gleaming, but it was all empty. And I was so sad because I hadn't known that the library had closed.

Strange.

How do you explain to a four month old, who speaks another language (cat), that it is not acceptable to play mousie in mommy's bed at 3 o'clock in the morning?

I guess I should just be thankful that it wasn't a real mouse.

*yawn*

Ugh!

I can't believe my eating lately. It has been completely unmindful. I haven't been logging points. Haven't been eating fruits and veggies. I went out for Mexican last night (the beans and cheese were SOOOOOOOOOO yummy) and then proceeded to come home and eat all of the WW frozen desserts that I had in the house (only had 2 servings at that point, but still).

Today I packed a healthy lunch, in an effort to get back on track. But I had forgotten that they were ordering pizza for our working session today. Again, the cheese was SOOOOOOOOOOOO good. I ended up eating 1/2 the pie! Gah!

I was having a major chocolate attack after the meeting. It was REALLY hard not to get a candy bar from Sandi's stand. But I had a cup of sugar-free hot cocoa instead. It mostly fulfilled the craving, but I still want to eat. And I'm not hungry. At all.

Something is going on. This is PMS week (though it seems kind of early in the week yet - usually it really hits on Thursday and Friday), and I always crave sweets and salt then. I am really tired, and that makes me more likely to give into cravings. I'm still feeling stressed with work, and we know that stress is an eating trigger. I miss E and won't get to see him or talk with him as much as I'd like to over the next few weeks and that bothers me. So, emotional upset, another trigger. Oh, and let's not forget the feelings of failure since I haven't been eating well the past 4 days.

So.... let's sum up here, shall we? I'm feeling:

• PMSy


• Tired


• Stressed


• Sad cause I miss my sweetie


• Like a failure


• Maybe my body is craving something in all the cheese I've been eating

Five of my big eating triggers all hitting me at once. I feel torn. Part of me says I need to not worry about it. Cut myself some slack. There's a lot going on and I just need to focus on making good choices when I can and move on when I don't. The stress level isn't going to reduce if I'm fretting so much over food.

But the other side is sitting there telling me that I'm going to have a gain this week, and I don't want a gain, I want a loss, and what's wrong with me that I'm not doing better so I will have a loss. What was the point of rejoining WW if I'm not going to follow the program? We aren't made of money you know. And well, I might as well make it a good gain if I'm going to have one, so why not pick up a box of those chocolate covered fruits at Joe's on the way home tonight.

Hmmm... one of those seems to be tied to a "diet" mentality and the other to a "that's life" mentality. How do I quiet the negative voice? How can I adopt the forgiving, loving, roll-with-the-punches attitude when I have this stream of negative self-talk blaring in my ear all the time?

*sigh*

Change is so hard. Progress is so slow. Even recognizing that it is negative self-talk is progress. But the next step feels so elusive to me. I hate not having it all figured out.

I'm so tired today. I barely dragged myself out of bed in time to get to work by 9. My eyelids are so heavy. I just want to curl up and take a nap. Think anyone would notice if I crawled under my desk for a hour?

I need to make sure that I'm getting to bed at a reasonable hour. None of this staying up until 1 am stuff. The problem is that I haven't been tired until later. I went to bed at 9 last night, but was up until 10 reading. And it still took me awhile to get to sleep. And I woke up during the night.

My September is too busy for me to be dragging and tired the whole time. I need to make sure that I'm taking care of myself, and getting enough sleep is a big part of that.

I just got back from donating platelets. They did a one arm thing this time, rather than use one arm to draw the blood and the other to return. This one had different tubes and it alternated push and pull throughout the whole 2 hours.

I'm so glad they finally got it to work. The last two times I've tried to donate they can't get the vein in my return arm and they haven't been able to do the donation. And even though the one arm did more, it doesn't hurt as much as I remember.

Yay. I feel good. Though I think I may go take a nap.

Went to Maria's TNT Fundraising party today. All she had to eat was rice, refried beans, and cake. So that's what I had. I had more than I intended to have. The beans and rice tasted SOOOOOOOO good. The idea of the cake was better than the cake itself though. It was too sicky sweet. Of course, that didn't stop me from snarfing down the whole thing. I felt so over-stuffed afterwards. Just icky through and through.

Then most of this evening I've wanted to eat more. And not the 3 servings of 0-point veggies that I should eat. But to eat the rest of the oatmeal raisin cookies. Or the WW ice cream snacks I have in the freezer. Or pretty much anything sugary.

I know this is due to the emotional reaction I'm having to other stuff going on. It has nothing to do with being hungry. So far I have managed to stay out of the kitchen. I've been doing retreat stuff. Puttering around the house cleaning stuff up. Made a personal journal entry to try to get the feelings out. But I don't think I'll feel better until I get to talk with the person in question and I don't know when that will be.

*sigh*

I do not want to eat. I do not want to feel the way I will feel after I eat. I want to have a loss next Thursday at weigh-in. I want to feel better, but food will not make me feel better.

At least it's after 9 o'clock now. I can go to bed soon. And as much as I'd sometimes like to, we all know that you can't eat while you are asleep.

Smudge went to the vet this morning. He needed a rabies shot and I wanted to make sure that he's on the normal kitten growth curve. My little boy is up to 3 pounds 13 ounces.

3 pounds 13 ounces!

Needless to say the vet was very happy with his progress. It was a different doctor than he's seen before, but she was still pleased. He doesn't have to go back until next year (it's only a 1-year rabies). She said he should be 9 pounds by then (or more!).

My little baby is growing up so fast! Before I know it he'll be off to college.

Ugh. Why do it do it to myself? Why?

Last night for dinner I had about 5 Trader Joe's oatmeal raisin cookies and a whole mini-bag of Quaker Rice Chippie-thingies. I estimated the damage at 22 points (my target for the day is 28). And this is AFTER all the cookies I had at tea time on Friday.

Ugh. I felt so sick afterwards.

Why did I do it? I was hungry enough that I wanted to eat, but not hungry enough to eat a full meal (damn tea time). Once I started I wanted the flavor and the texture to continue (with the Quaker thingies). I had just finished the last post here, so I was feeling a bit down. It was comfortable.

*sigh*

Oh well. That's what the weekly flex point allowance is for, right? I need to get some kind of exercise in today and make sure I drink all my water (something that is really easy for me during the week but harder on the weekends). And I should be okay.

Heh. Should be. Maybe that's part of my problem. That's the thinking that sets this up as a diet. That I have the weekly weigh-ins that are the goal. Not that this is a lifestyle. That this is just eating for health. That cookie-for-dinner-nights are going to happen once in a while, and as long as they are once in awhile, it's okay.

Well, the .6 that I gained last week came off this week. Yay! I'm headed back in the right direction.

I was hoping for more - I felt like there should have been more. My bathroom scale had me down a full 1 (granted, it only measures in 1/2 pound increments). But I've been feeling smaller around the middle.

I'm trying to feel good about this week's loss. The negative part of me keeps on insisting on turning this positive into something bad. It keeps saying that I essentially haven't made any progress over the past 3 weeks. That I should be doing better. Blah Blah Blah.

I know that isn't true. It doesn't matter that the scale has essentially not moved in 3 weeks. My eating has been more mindful. It's been healthier. And that is a very important improvement. I'm feeling in control of my eating (instead of the food controlling me) and that is also very important.

Yet why do I feel disappointed? Why isn't that enough? What is it in me that wants the best of everything and won't settle for good enough? I don't know. This has to be enough. Because those are the changes that are going to get me to a healthy weight and will keep me there.

I found an amusing online cat comic this morning. It's called Two Lumps: The Adventures of Ebenezer and Snooch. I suggest going back to the first strip and watching them in order. There aren't that many and it's very funny.

I found this on the website of a fellow WW VeggieBoarder. She found it on a WW message board awhile ago. While not everything here rings true for me, a lot of it does. And it certainly adds a perspective/ looks at the issues from a different angle. And that is a good thing.

If losing weight is really important, why wouldn’t I put every effort into achieving it? Why wouldn’t I base every decision on achieving this goal? Why would I justify decisions that don’t support my goal?

How do I justify decisions that don’t support the goal?
I can make up for this bad decision later
I want it
If I don’t have this now, I will just want it until I get it
I need to feel happy
I need freedom
I will feel bad if I don’t get it
I need to take care of myself, nurture myself
I will do better tomorrow
I don’t have to be perfect
I can allow myself this
I’m hungry
I’m tired

Then I don’t lose weight... and I feel bad about myself. What is my payoff?
I can keep feeling sorry for myself
I don’t have to expect a lot of myself
I can continue to hide
I can coast, not make changes, not improve
I can keep thinking about the same things
I can try to come up with a way to lose weight that I haven’t tried yet
I only have a few clothes to wear

It’s easy to know what I should do but it’s another thing to actually do it.
I know that I should eat healthy foods that are high fiber, low fat, low calorie
I know that I shouldn’t snack too much
I know that I should exercise every day

What do I need?
I need to nurture myself.
I need to separate what I can control from what I can’t.
I need to realize what problems will always be there and not spend a lot of time on them.

How will I nurture myself?
Positive powerful thoughts.
Chart a path and follow it.
Find out what I really want.

There are a few others that I would add to this list.

I eat because I feel I deserve it.
I eat because I'm tired/sad/depressed/lonely/angry/happy/stressed.
I eat to punish myself.
I eat to get back at others when they have hurt me.

My payoff for not loosing weigh:
I don't have to worry about attention from boys.
I don't have to feel bad about being successful.
It's what I do (try to loose weight and fail).
Being fat is part of who I am.

I need to be an active participant in my life, not a passive observer.
I need to feel my feelings and emotions and not be afraid of them.
I need to be present in the moment, no matter what I am doing.
I need to accept myself for who/what/where I am.
I need to remember that this is the only life I get; there are no do-overs. I need to make the most of it.

Oh my goodness. When it rains, it pours. I had been thinking lately how boring work was. How I wasn't getting anything done. Couldn't get motivated. Nothing fun to work on. I had days and days of no meetings, just me staring at my screen until it was time to go home. Then I'd go home and just stare at the screen some more. Nothing to do, no one to see, except for games on Wednesdays and living for the weekend.

Well good Lord has that changed. I'm typing this on my lunchhour, my one break between 6 straight hours of meetings today. My whole week has been/will be like this (though today is by far the worst). Meetings back to back. Often in different buildings. And I have work to get done for said meetings between them. Folks are starting to get annoyed that they can't schedule a meeting with me. Not my fault! Take a number!

This work stress would be bad enough, but my social schedule has also expanded beyond its waistline and I'm feeling stressed at home as well. Every night of the week I have something fun and wonderful to do. I love it. But I'm feeling pressure from "back burner things" - you know, little things like paying the freakin' rent - that also need to get done and I don't know when or where to fit them in.

Last night I did manage to get all my bills paid. And my checkbook is updated, even if it isn't balanced (it hasn't been balanced since I moved out in April - the shame!) And I was able to clean the litter box before work this morning. So I'm feeling a bit more in control of the domestic domain. Okay, a LOT better. But there's still a lot to do. I need freakin' groceries and don't know when I'll have time to get my bananas. GAH! I want my bananas!

I'm also not sleeping well. And I know it's because of the stress. I tried going to bed around 10:30 last night, but I tossed and turned for quite awhile. Was having those damn racing thoughts again. And the dryer and washer were SO LOUD. Was also up in the middle of the night. Again. At least Smudge wasn't chewing my fingers all night or dancing on the bedspread like he had been doing.

I need to stop. I need to breathe. I need to spend some time on my mediation cushion. I need to put things in perspective. I can't wait until the weekend is here. But I can't wait for the weekend - I need to stop before then.