January 2005 Archives

This is very cute. Apparently a baby hippo named Owen was washed ashore in Kenya during the tsunami, separated from his mother and herd. He has now found a friend in the local 120 year old tortoise. The two sleep, eat, and play together.

Anyone who denies that is a fool. We all come with baggage. With hurts and scars from our past. I think it's the human condition to only be able to see from your own perspective. How can you really feel/think/know what another is feeling and thinking? You can't. You can only guess based upon what they share with you, and what you can project and imagine. And all too often you are wrong. In your efforts to love and support and care for, you can be deaf to what the other is saying; blind to what they are doing.

I don't know what the answer to this is. I don't know that there is an answer. It's a neverending dance, of forward and back, trial and error, as two beings try to relate to each other. Sometimes it works like clockwork. Sometimes the messages get lost in the mail. You give apples when the other wants oranges. And don't see how happy and thankful they are with the kiwis, for the kiwis are so abundant for you and cost you nothing.

But I can say what a blessing it is to have someone who is as determined as you to break through the fog and connect. Someone who is present and invested and willing to try new steps in the dance. Someone who isn't going to hide, to run away when your personal demons rear their ugly heads. Someone who will point out what isn't working, and help to find a resolution.

I am blessed.

"Give me one more minute. If I get one more Moxie point I can put on the Hot Pants. The Ninja Hot Pants."

An actual quote from my afternoon.

So, the New Me project has sorta been on hold for awhile. A long while. And I say sorta, because I specifically mean the physical/outward side of the project is what has been on hold. I've done squat-all to loose weight or get in shape. In fact, I've surpassed my heaviest ever weight and scored a new heaviest ever. *sigh* Well, no one will ever say I'm an under achiever, right?

But I've still been working on the inside. Mostly focused on making the transition to working in SF. On one hand I say that sounds like no big deal. But it is a big deal for me. I haven't worked in a city in 5 years. And Boston and SF are quite different places. So there's the stress of the commute. The stress of all the people, the new smells, the new environment. I don't know where to go for lunch or if I need to run to the bank. Everything is new. And while that is thrilling and exciting and (at least on some level) I am really enjoying it. It's also stressing for me.

And then there is the job itself. Going back to consulting. But it really isn't "going back" since Argus and AP are very different. I know I'll do well and do good work and be challenged and stretched and that that is what I want and what I need. But still, it's change. It's different. It's taking getting used to. I went from a place where I knew exactly what was expected of me to a place where I'm still figuring that out. I know I will. It just takes time.

I'm also running up against a whole slew of self-esteem issues. Irrational and unfounded as they may be (but isn't that the whole point of low self-esteem?), they are still big and nasty and taking quite a lot out of me to get over. Everyone seems to love my plants and polar bear and introduction of tea time. They keep saying I'm bringing a new/different energy to the place and how wonderful it is.

But I come home at night and worry so much about how I don't feel cool enough. I'm not hip enough. I feel out of my element. P may joke about teddybear sweaters and comfortable shoes, but that does fall within my known comfort zone. I'm so glad M was out here to help me with my clothes. I still doubt the way I look, but I know at least I'm dressing better than I used to. But I do hate (really HATE) being the biggest one in the office. I'm very self-conscience of it. Everyone seems so little and cool and trendy and sure of themselves. And yes, once I get to know them better I'm sure I'll find out that they are all human and have just as many insecurities as I do (in places that I never would have expected).

So... what am I doing about it? Well, the first is the commute. Which I'm trying very hard not to hate, but look at as a gift. It's making me walk 50 or so minutes a day. Which is a very good thing. I know I need to exercise and this builds it into my day automatically. But right now it hurts. It hurts a lot. Oh God do I hurt. It reminds me of the early days of TNT training. Or going to Big Basin when you wake up the second day and you are so tired and everything hurts and the last thing you want to do is put that body-crushing pack on your back, but you must, for it is the only way to get home. I know it will get better. The more I do it the easier it will become. But right now it is really hard. And it makes me so angry and disgusted at myself that I am so fat and out of shape that it is so hard.

Tomorrow I am going to cook food for the week. E said that he would help me. I'm going to make stuffed shells, curried cauliflower, and maybe the pasta with the chickpeas. That would give me 3 choices to rotate for lunches and dinner. I don't have any sweets left in the house and I'm not going to buy any more (which will be so hard). They do have chocolate at the office, but at least I can't come home and eat cookies for dinner. (Of course, then what happens is like last night where I end up just going to bed with no dinner.)

I will figure this out. It will get better. It's only been 5 days. 5 days is nothing. It takes 30 days to make a habit (or is that 60?). But it's really hard right now. I'm so tired. I hurt. Being sick doesn't help. I feel like I'm being crushed by this huge weight and there is no one to help. I'm in this alone. And that is part of what makes it so hard. I come home and there is no one to stroke my head and say 'good job.' I need to figure out a way to do that for myself. Hmm. That's going to be a tough one.

Meds are expensive. Really expensive. I know they are expensive. You hear about it all the time. But I didn't realize just how expensive my meds were until I went to the pharmacy last night. We're talking over $400 worth of meds and that's just 4 prescriptions. I. Am. So. Pissed. Apparently my COBRA coverage hasn't kicked in yet. I've been told that I'll be reimbursed for this expense, but I'm guessing that will take a lot of kicking and screaming.

*le sigh*

In other news, this is where I work.

Thomas Vander Wal visited us today and snapped this pic of our front window.

Wow - it's been a whole week since I posted. Didn't realize that it had been that long.

The big news? I started at Adaptive Path on Monday. So far it's great. At least, I keep coming back. No, really, I'm loving it. This week has mostly been getting up to speed on process and proceedures (though there are surprisingly few of those). I've read the proposals for the projects I'll be working on and they are really exciting. I can't wait to get started. Today I get to jump into the work that's already been completed so I can get up to speed.

This week has been hard though in that I am so fucking tired. On the train home last night I realized that I want a gold star for dealing with my commute. And I know that there are many people who have a worse commute than mine, and have been doing it for way longer than I have/will. And they don't complain, so I really have no right to. But I've gone from a round trip commute time of 20 minutes max, to 3 hours. That's quite a difference. Especially coming off 4 weeks of vacation where I hardly left my house. It is going to take some adjustment.

Last night I turned out my light and went to bed at 8:20. The night before it was just after 9. I've been getting up between 6 and 6:30 so I can get out of the house in time to catch an early enough train. I'm trying to get 9 hours of sleep (or at least give myself the opportunity of getting 9 hours of sleep) a night, because I really don't feel well with less than that. But it's tough. Especially when I'm getting home at 6:30 or 7.

I must say though, I feel good about taking public transportation. I didn't use my car at all today getting to work. I walked to the bus stop, took that to BART and then walked to the office. It's about a 20 minute walk to the office, so I'll be getting 50 minutes of walking in each day. That should go a long way to getting me back into/getting some sort of shape. And even once I move, that time won't be shrinking, so I can count on it. Yay.

Anyway, back to the moly mines.

The IA Summit 2005 website has posted the program for this year. It looks like it should be a blast. It always is. There are a lot of smart folks that are going to talk about really interesting things. This year is doubly exciting because it's the first time it's been held outside of the US - we're going to Montreal!

I haven't been to Montreal in 8 years, and it was just for a day. I'm really excited to have a chance to explore the city. And plus, the conferece is happening ON MY BIRTHDAY. w00t!

Check it out and try to attend.

I start my new job at Adaptive Path on Monday. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I'm slowly making sure that I have everything I need. I ordered a discounted BART ticket; mentally picked out the clothes I'm going to wear; cleaned out my laptop bag; ordered a few more client-appropriate pants and skirts.

It's been so nice to have these weeks off. I haven't had any problems with my shoulder or neck. I'm waking up in the mornings feeling (mostly) rested. I don't feel stressed or that I need to hurry up and get something done. I need to figure out how to hang on to some of that once I start the daily grind again.

One thing is for sure... I'm going to miss spending so much time with my cats. It sounds funny, I'm sure. But I really enjoy watching Smudge play with his mousie or krinkle ball. Or having Freesia curl up in my lap while I type or watch TV. When I take a nap, they both join me on the bed. I'm sure they are going to miss having me around all the time too. I love my cats.

But it will also be good to have more direction to my days again. And to have more contact with people. I've had a few days where I haven't left the apartment at all (not even to get snail mail) and the only human contact I've had is via IM. It will be good to work with a group again. I'm really looking forward to it.

This is mostly for my sake, and, you know, it's a good way to procrastinate that doesn't really feel like procrastinating. Heh.

Today was the first real day of my vacation. By vacation, I mean the time I have between working at PeopleSoft (or should I say Oracle-PeopleSoft) and Adaptive Path. And by real day I mean the first day that I wasn't in CT or feeling way more sick than a simple headcold has any right to make one feel.

The next two weeks are mine. I currently have 3 things officially scheduled in the next 14 days. This really is a beautiful thing. It's also going to be a test for me. Being home alone is something that is rather difficult for me. But I am resolved to not eat the entire time nor pack every waking moment with something to do nor loose myself in computer games. There are things that I need to get done. Both for practical reasons as well as for my emotional and mental well being.

And being the person that I am, I've started a list.